ARIES (March 21-April 19)

You will eat a delicious meal, but then one bite will taste odd. It will be a weird chemically taste. Have you been poisoned? Was the food bad? Did a rodent fall in a vat during processing? All questions.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

You’re going to find a raven’s skull next to your toilet today. This is a sign of bad luck. Burn the skull and repeat the Lord’s Prayer 36 times. Blessings be upon you.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)

Your brother Alex will die today at 6:35PM of an apparent overdose of Champagne. Was he celebrating something? The case will never be solved and it will haunt you till your death.

CANCER (June 21-July 22)

Your long lost cousin will contact you, asking for money to feed his drug habit. Pay him. He’s better off dying of an overdose, than living in pain.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)

For no reason what-so-ever, you’ll get a bloody nose at 3:01PM. Your boss will suspect you’re a coke addict from this and your recent uncontrollable habit of saying “big time”, and he’ll fire you. Shortly after you’ll pick up a coke habit to cope with the joblessness.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You will drag yourself out of bed and go about your day like an absolute living-dead zombie, learning nothing new and contributing very little to society.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

You’ll forget to wash your hair, only to remember it while at your shit job. Then the rest of the day you’ll be scared you have dirty smelly hair. You do.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Expect good luck today. Take out your savings and buy lottery tickets.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Your boss will fire you today, and you’ll get a new job as a fry cook at Burger King. A step up in the world.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

You’ll meet a new lover today. Don’t do it! You’ll get AIDS.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Your luck is finally turning around. Bright days are ahead…Oh, wait. No. Another year of bad luck.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)

A surprise visit from a friend will turn into a weird orgy.